Its so odd. We know how this will end, but while we wait, a low level of anxiety, a disturbance in my chest, a bubble of grief just below the surface, waits. I can think of nothing else.
Waiting… as she lets go reluctantly, we let go as well. Pre-mourning. An expectation of mourning.
She is guarded/protected by her family, only family. They are honoring her process by contracting around her. This is how it should be. All her energy goes to this transition. We who wait cannot fathom how this is, how this funny, energetic, bright woman can shrink herself down so drastically to attend to the process of dying. But attend she must.
When my mother died I felt so strongly a sense of rebirth, the gradual effacement of the membrane between dead and alive. Sue was aware of this in the last two weeks. She spoke about looking forward to see what comes next.
Its strange that I have accepted the family’s and Sue’s right to be private. I have felt resentful(I’m family), sad, and kind of ornery. But you know what? That’s okay.
Nothing to be done. We can’t fix this. We can’t cook enough casseroles, or provide enough succour to help this. Nothing to be done.
Waiting…