Suffering

“It is this spiritual freedom—which cannot be taken away–that makes life meaningful and purposeful” Inner freedom cannot be lost.

I feel funny about using this quote in my context, but here goes, for all those who have endured months and years of caregiving, and still they worsen and still they die. I thought it could be effort in, victory out the other end. But it ain’t so, best beloved. I have been playing this all wrong. This is not a cause and effect thing. This is a do whatever you can and hope for the best. Try to do care with love and tenderness and if you can’t, take a break, a walk, call for help.

Inner freedom cannot be lost but you must hold onto to it and protect it from exhaustion, boredom with the day to day, and guilt.

I lost my temper last night. Rob called me into the living room. The enormous bandage on his second toe had come off with his sock and there was this mangled (macerated according to the doc) half a toe. Bleeding and stinky, obviously infected. It was wrapped on Thursday and he’s been on antibiotics. It looks worse now than it did on Thursday.

I stormed out of the room screaming “I can’t do this, you should’nt have pulled your sock off that way,” blah, blah, blah.

I left the room fuming, muttering. This wasn’t Rob’s fault. I calmed down but was sick to my stomach, tired of trying to patch up a body that won’t stay patched.

I rewrapped his toe. I have enough medical supplies to work in a wound care clinic. Later on, I apologized to him and said, in my defence, “I can’t do this. I’m not a medical professional. I don’t know if we can keep staggering along doing the best we can. Is this just the trajectory?” I cried alot. Tender moment, sweet moment, but I need to get in touch with his insurance and see if we can’t get some home health aide to come in. I am in over my head and Rob is sinking.

Both Rob and I need to accept that this is the inevitable result of forty years of diabetes. We need to accept this so that every time another toe goes, or his neuropathy worsens, we don’ t think it can be fixed or it’s course altered. It’s hope that both bolsters and undermines us.

If I can hold onto the inner freedom, my spirit, while taking care of him, well then, I can survive. But hope as to outcome is a chimera. Lalaland.