I spent the day rather numb. I really wanted to join some people, not to talk or commiserate, but just to be in proximity. Just to be with someone. Alas, no one was there. Robin wants to avoid, distracted by his own pain. I worked in my garden and that is very consoling, very uplifting, but now, tonight, I am in grief again. Robin’s watching TV and I am alone again with my dog.

I am not numb tonight. I am ashamed. I am ashamed to be an American. I don’t want to be an American anymore. I am ashamed, I am angry and I am impotent. Great word.

At this time where so many of our politicians are celebrating their dicks, I am impotent. They are too, but they don’t want to recognize it. They have sold themselves to the highest bidder and if they deviate just a little, the buyers will have them by the short hairs.

How does it feel to have your balls in someone else’s hands? Not friendly hands. Hands that want your fealty. I have no idea. I have no balls and apparently most of the American public is beside the point.

Corporations don’t give a shit about how you feel. They care about how they’re doing. The bottom line is their bottom line. Not yours.

We have sold ourselves to faceless, soulless entities. The Catholics play hide the sausage with our children, the Baptists (praise the Lord), fuck anything that walks and the NRA kills our children. They will say it’s mental illness, it’s criminals, it’s immigrants.

No it’s not. It’s regular American boys and girls who refuse to lay down their arms. We don’t need AR15’s. We don’t need high capacity rounds.

At Abbott’s news conference, Beto O’Rourke called them out. How did they respond? They removed him from the proceedings. They accused him of politicizing this horrible tragedy. What the fuck? It’s been politicized for years. If a lobbying group has you by the short hairs, Democrats, and Republicans, it’s been politicized.

I finally went out to my garden for solace. I weeded and planted and fussed and watered and I thought about those 19 beautiful beings whose parents had tended and loved and fussed and fed their children and then were wiped out by an eighteen-year-old who probably just needed to kill himself but wanted others to feel his pain.

What a tragedy. I bleed for them. I wish I could do something, but what can you do as one citizen among millions? What can one person do? Witness. Vote. Speak the truth.

Some of our officials don’t give a shit about you or your family or friends. They don’t give a shit about who stocks your shelves, who picks the fruit, who teaches your children. They don’t care about your children.

They have their boats in Washington D.C., their high life, their Mar a Lago. They have their own life to enrichen. May it rot on their tongues and turn to ash in their mouths. May they know the apocalypse which they have brought down on all of us.