Repair. Reparative. Repair comes from the Latin, although I imagine there was always a need for a word that means to restore, mend, put back in order, again.
It’s what religion is all about. An angry God kicked Adam and Eve out of the garden, then sent his son to bring forgiveness, the possibility to put things right. Of course, us lesser beings don’t harbor such largesse in our bones. We carry anger, revenge, make vendettas, make war, hang people, burn people, and wipe out entire cultures.
The basis of religion is to realign ourselves, reset ourselves to the time before the Fall. Forgiveness is the opportunity for a reset, but it is not a one time deal. Forgiveness must happen over and over again. It is a recurring need—like filling up your pantry. The injury never dies so the need for forgiveness never dies. Isn’t it interesting how we have come to think of forgiveness as static? One and you’re done. Deep grievances never go away. They’re on the back burner and then heat up again, reactivated by random stimulus you weren’t even aware of. We must, if we wish, forgive others over and over again.
The idea of reparations, the idea of repair, one to one, collective to collective, nation to nation is hopeful.
I am thinking about my family. We’ve had a long way to go. Sister to sister, daughter to mother, daughter to father, wife to husband. What a long road it’s been. It feels like another country, another family.
Repair takes time. The repaired can never be the same as the original. Different, not better, or worse.
We are often at a loss to understand the people we’re closest to. What did I do? What is needed here? What do you need? What am I not getting? How can I make it better? Do I want to make it better? How can I change the story of me so I can change the story of you?
Timing—You go first. If you concede to me, I will start to consider forgiving you. (Mediation, the steps)
Trust—How do I know that you aren’t just manipulating? How do I know you’ve really changed? (Parameters)
Desire—Do I want to repair this relationship? (Buy in)
Timing is about control; showing up at the table. If the desire is there and strong enough, it can lead to trust. Trust is a function of needs being met (or mostly) over time. It takes generosity of spirit and a willingness to suspend, for the moment, history.
It isn’t easy. You have to want it, but not want it so much you give up yourself. Mending does not mean capitulation. You will never be the same. Your relationship will never be the same. It might be better, rooted in the ashes.
Tessa is mending after a long struggle with her health. This is a physical injury. But there are parallels. She has to learn to both trust her body again, and respect it’s limitations. She has the desire, but she can’t quite trust the process. She got taken down a peg, actually taken down quite a few pegs. She has to forge a new relationship with her body based on respect, self regard and honesty.
So it is with repairing family relationships. We will never recapture what we had. We will forge new relationships, new ways of being. Kintsugi.
Hello. Yes, this is Dog 