Building resilience

I had an interesting conversation with someone yesterday.  The gist of it was:   “Why do these things happen to me?”  I responded:  “Bad things happen to everyone.”  He said:  “Everyone says that, but it’s not true.”

There are two ways of looking at this;  one is big picture, that is, in the whole history of the world did you get the rawest deal, and the other is the smaller picture, amongst all of my friends I am the most fucked.  Okay, so I can relate to both of these responses but let’s look at the small picture. I must be in God’s gun sights.

I remember feeling this way a lot when I was younger.  It seemed as if the universe was intent on taking me down.  Every new financial, emotional, physical insult seemed intent on destroying me.

I was raised in a very solid home.  It wasn’t always happy or carefree but I could count on coming home at the end of the school day and finding everything in place.  That core  stability has allowed me to trust that things will work out and I am equipped for any challenge.  Children raised in this stability develop resilience even though they may have other issues.  We trust, we keep on keeping on. I coped because I could.  I was proud of my abilities.  It’s made me a stronger person.  Lucky me.

A personality shaped in chaos has a different baseline.  Folks with PTSD, come to expect blows and the anxiety attached to this expectation amplifies their reaction.  It’s not necessarily the situation itself, it’s the fact that it’s attached to past trauma.  PTSD is a compound fracture in reality. Insults are added to injury; all the episodes of violence and fear and insecurity attach to this chaos until it is simply a gyre of toxic waste.

The only treatment for PTSD is to cut the attachment, to somehow disconnect the now from the then.  This is harder than you might think.  Gridlines have been laid deep in the psyche.  Trauma beds down in our cells and neurons.  Anxiety creates amplification run amuk.  It is a daily struggle not to over-react. Each hyberbolic instance needs to be confronted and deescalated.  It takes a skilled therapist, a willing patient and time.  The syndrome, well established, never goes away completely, but, one can diminish the response.

Stress and trauma create people who’s default position is defeat.  Why try if it’s all going to shit anyway?  Well, sometimes things do go to shit, but we keep trying anyway because it’s kind of interesting to see how it’s all going to turn out.

Each time you are able to meet a challenging situation head-on you put another riser on the stairs. Someday, those risers could allow you to see over the wall to a new landscape.  Someday, you might not have to default to doom.

 

Letters from the rain forest

It is dark and rainy outside at 8:45 AM.  At 5:45 it was darker but not raining.  This time of year we need lots of lights and bright colors to pick up our spirits.

Just got back from a trip to see Kate in Philadelphia.  It was sunny and beautiful. Here it is grey and dank.  If the weather here was more solid you could cut pieces off it like cold damp lard and serve it up.

Guess you can tell how I feel about the weather.  Luckily I still have a bit of Eastcoast sun  in my heart.

Rob is not well.  He scares me a bit as he has blood clots in his right leg again and is in a significant amount of pain.  It seems we get one issue squared away (his foot wound) and another issue pops up.  I suppose that is to be expected with someone who has had diabetes for thirty years.  He is just slowly breaking down and despite our best efforts, he will continue to do so.

I used to get so damned mad at him for seemingly being unable to manage his health.  But he is unable and that is that.  There’s no use nagging at him.  There’s no use shaming/blaming him.  It is who he is.  He is in every sense of the word, irresponsible.

He knows what he has to do, he has all the information, but his head is aswirl, as incapable, as a bee in bee season, of settling down.  This is his tragedy.

I often vacillate between anger and empathy.  If I get angry, then I feel guilty; if empathetic, like a schmuck.  But really there is nothing for it but to recognize the sadness inherent in his inevitable breakdown.

I love him and I can’t help him.  Where have I heard that before?

 

Love, love well, love often

Here is Beth taking a token of love into the next world.

Try harder to be compassionate to yourself and others.  Just let up and let go.  Bring joy. l  Calm down.  Believe in the basic goodness of human brings no matter how weird they are.  We are all weird.  Granted, some are weirder than others.  You don’t need all the answers.  Other people have other answers.