So new and yet so old

The other morning, early morning, still dark and dewy, I heard a voice that said “so new”.  I thought of Wilder, a new baby, someone fresh and innocent and new.

Then I got to thinking about fresh green grass, and cedar trees and ancient bones discovered recently that  take the age of man back and back and back.

Seems like you can be new like Wilder and yet old like Methuselah.  Wilder is a new iteration of some ancient DNA.

We all go back to the Old Ones and forward into what we cannot know.  We are building blocks.

I could almost feel within myself the ancient piecing together; strands of DNA weaving and twisting, moving up a grand and  glorious human tree. The vision in my head was of Jack and the Beanstalk.

But really the image is closer to this.

DNA

We are all connected.  This is not just a foolish airy fairy sentiment.  It’s true.  We are all connected one way or the other.  The newest oldest bones they’ve found of our ancestors were found in Jebel Irhoud Morocco and are around 300,000 years old.

My sister Jane proved that my family goes all the way back to Charlemagne.  Well, I think we all go back to that pile of bones in Morocco. Even Charlemagne.  Even the Queen of England.  We are derivative.

Now if all this sounds a bit foolish and overwrought, you must forgive me.  I was up early and just brushing the cobwebs out of the corners of my mind.  I go there to find inspiration.   Sometimes the lights are extremely dim in there.

Matatana

New word for me:  matatana.  This is a Domenican slang word referring to a woman who is the best at whatever she sets her mind to.  That is a great word and I don’t think we have an English word that comes close to it.  Maybe a yiddish word—balabusta, but that is generally understood to mean someone who is gifted in household, homely things.It turns out that mensch meaning good man honorable man, can also mean good woman, honorable woman.  Mensch is gender neutral.  One guy on a yiddish website suggested fensch which is just plain silly.

So what would be the English word  which would be equivalent?

Witch

Bitch

An accomplished woman—adept, consummate, cultivated, expert, gifted, masterly, polished, practiced, proficient, skilful.

It seems like we don’t have one word—we need adjectives to describe an accomplished woman.  Maybe that’s because we don’t use masculine and feminine endings on our words.  I don’t know.

Maybe an adept might work as a noun as that is neither male or female.

Adept:  an expert,” especially “one who is skilled in the secrets of anything,” 1660s, from Latin adeptus (see adept (adj.)). The Latin adjective was used as a noun in this sense in Medieval Latin among alchemists.

I guess I’ll have to settle for adept in lieu of the unsatisfactory alternatives.

 

 

 

Radical Hope

I just finished listening to Christa Tippett interview Junot Diaz.  I’m including a piece he wrote for the New Yorker after Trump was elected.  He is the last person I would expect to talk about radical hope, but there it is.

RADICAL HOPE
By Junot Díaz

Querida Q.:

I hope that you are feeling, if not precisely better, then at least not so demoralized. On Wednesday, after he won, you reached out to me, seeking advice, solidarity. You wrote, My two little sisters called me weeping this morning. I had nothing to give them. I felt bereft. What now? Keep telling the truth from an ever-shrinking corner? Give up?

I answered immediately, because you are my hermana, because it hurt me to hear you in such distress. I offered some consoling words, but the truth was I didn’t know what to say. To you, to my godchildren, who all year had been having nightmares that their parents would be deported, to myself.

I thought about your e-mail all day, Q., and I thought about you during my evening class. My students looked rocked. A few spoke about how frightened and betrayed they felt. Two of them wept. No easy task to take in the fact that half the voters—neighbors, friends, family—were willing to elect, to the nation’s highest office, a toxic misogynist, a racial demagogue who wants to make America great by destroying the civil-rights gains of the past fifty years.

What now? you asked. And that was my students’ question, too. What now? I answered them as poorly as I answered you, I fear. And so I sit here now in the middle of the night, in an attempt to try again.

So what now? Well, first and foremost, we need to feel. We need to connect courageously with the rejection, the fear, the vulnerability that Trump’s victory has inflicted on us, without turning away or numbing ourselves or lapsing into cynicism. We need to bear witness to what we have lost: our safety, our sense of belonging, our vision of our country. We need to mourn all these injuries fully, so that they do not drag us into despair, so repair will be possible.

And while we’re doing the hard, necessary work of mourning, we should avail ourselves of the old formations that have seen us through darkness. We organize. We form solidarities. And, yes: we fight. To be heard. To be safe. To be free.

For those of us who have been in the fight, the prospect of more fighting, after so cruel a setback, will seem impossible. At moments like these, it is easy for even a matatana to feel that she can’t go on. But I believe that, once the shock settles, faith and energy will return. Because let’s be real: we always knew this shit wasn’t going to be easy. Colonial power, patriarchal power, capitalist power must always and everywhere be battled, because they never, ever quit. We have to keep fighting, because otherwise there will be no future—all will be consumed. Those of us whose ancestors were owned and bred like animals know that future all too well, because it is, in part, our past. And we know that by fighting, against all odds, we who had nothing, not even our real names, transformed the universe. Our ancestors did this with very little, and we who have more must do the same. This is the joyous destiny of our people—to bury the arc of the moral universe so deep in justice that it will never be undone.

But all the fighting in the world will not help us if we do not also hope. What I’m trying to cultivate is not blind optimism but what the philosopher Jonathan Lear calls radical hope. “What makes this hope radical,” Lear writes, “is that it is directed toward a future goodness that transcends the current ability to understand what it is.” Radical hope is not so much something you have but something you practice; it demands flexibility, openness, and what Lear describes as “imaginative excellence.” Radical hope is our best weapon against despair, even when despair seems justifiable; it makes the survival of the end of your world possible. Only radical hope could have imagined people like us into existence. And I believe that it will help us create a better, more loving future.

I could say more, but I’ve already imposed enough, Q.: Time to face this hard new world, to return to the great shining work of our people. Darkness, after all, is breaking, a new day has come.

Love, J ♦

 

 

 

Self love/travelling to other species

 

otters

If I had furry limbs and paws

I would stretch and stretch and stretch them just to admire my

luxurious and delightful self.

If I had scaly skin I would move my hands

down my body to feel the interlocking neatness of it,

the cool and calm of scaly skin.

If I had a feathery stomach,

the feathers lined up in triangles of brown and black and white

I would stand in front of a mirror

and just fluff them out to see them fall

again and again.

If I had a shell

I would retreat into the wet darkness

savoring my privacy and the

pride of ownership.

“Mine, mine”, I’d say to myself.

 

 

 

goshawk2

Oh I have been so blue the last two days.  I suppose it has something to do with the weather—it’s cold and grey.  But given this happens when it’s warm and blue, or hot and humid or whatever, I think this is more than weather related.

I finished a wonderful book yesterday, H is for Hawk by Helen MacDonald.  In it I found the following:

“Patience.  Derived from patior.  Meaning to suffer.”

There were a lot of other great sentences, great descriptions, just simply fine writing, but these few sentences caught my eye and my attention.

Patience.  Meaning to suffer.  Ain’t it the truth.  I thought of a child I worked with, a stubborn, one of a kind kid who was unmanageable.  Uncooperative, rageful, silly and dangerous.He would not do whatever it was that you wanted him to.  He drove everyone mad.

What he needed was patience, and patience takes time and the ability in the adult to wait and watch.  To watch and observe.  Adults as we know have little time and less patience.  They have to “do” things.

I sympathize with that.  As adults we have to earn a living, shop for food, cook dinner, learn skills, unplug the toilet, keep up with friends and family and on and on.

Patience can be hard to come by.  But the rewards that come with just waiting can be so sweet.  So immensely sweet.

I was  lucky that my job was to be patient, to watch and hopefully understand. Sometimes I understood, sometimes I didn’t.  I lost my temper more than once.  I lost my focus and had to drag myself back to the task at hand.  I got paid to be patient and so with that I did not suffer overmuch.

It was great training to learn to be quiet in myself.  The suffering really is in learning to efface oneself, so that another being can enter.

I loved working with him.  When you took the time to learn him, to read him, the rewards, for you and then for him were beautiful and uncanny.  I “got” him.  Not as in ownership for as quickly as this might happen it could as quickly go away.  As in connection, that brilliant flash of light that can occur between two people—aha—so that’s what’s going on.  Aha—so now you understand.

I miss my work.  I miss the intensity, the raw moments and the quiet moments.

When Fall comes and it’s a little cold and my garden dies down, I want to work. I see the short school bus and I want to get on.  I want to focus on something so tightly that the world just falls away.

But, I also don’t want to get punched or kicked or mauled or have food thrown at me…. so maybe I’ll focus on making the world’s greatest chocolate cake.  The recipe is in the NY Times today.

chocolate cake

Yum.

The harmless drudge

I just found out what I am on Google—a lexicographer—a harmless drudge who busies himself in tracing the original and detailing the signification of words.  That’s according to Samuel Johnson.  Yup, that’s what I am.

Speaking of words, I have a great one:  cantankerous.

1772, said to be “a Wiltshire word,” probably from an alteration (influenced by raucous) of Middle English contakour “troublemaker” (c.1300), from Anglo-French contec “discord, strife,” from Old French contechier (Old North French contekier), from con- “with” + teche, related to atachier “hold fast” .

I think this description  suggests (the hold fast part) a curmudgeon, someone who doesn’t let go of old ways.  When I think of cantankerous, I think of a crabby old person, a miserable sod grumbling and mumbling and being unhappy with everything that he or she sees in her surroundings.

The word cantankerous puts me in mind of canker and chancre and tanker.  A tanker full of canker and chancre.  Oh my.  It’s interesting that canker, or chancre comes from astrology, the crab.  Hence, crabby.  There is nothing quite so unpleasant as a tanker full of crabs.  Or smelly if kept too long.

Here’s a visual:

crabby

I believe that I am becoming cantankerous.  Actually, I believe I am cantankerous.  I don’t want to be.  I want to be like little Rogers.  Can we alter the course of our development?  Can we go from a grumbling mumbler to a sweet gentle soul?

Time will tell.

…little Rogers

Love isn’t a state of perfect caring.  It is an active noun like struggle.”—Mr. Rogers

 

Aunt Fran thinks Mr. Rogers is a genius.   She’s partial to cardigans as well.

I love Mr. Rogers too.  He reminds me of Carl Rogers without the book learning.  My

friend’s grandson calls him little Rogers which I appreciate as I believe it implies a
certain quiet calm.  An unstuffy, consoling safety—little Rogers.
Now that I examine this picture I have with Rogers and Koko, I think I understand Aunt
Fran’s attraction to him.  Check this out:
This is Koko he’s hugging:
koko
And this is dear Aunt Fran:
aunt-fran
See the hair, the intent eyes, the huggability.  It’s all there.  Koko and Aunt Fran are sisters from another mother (and father).
I was not planning to write a silly post.  But here it is.  I wanted to write about love being
an active noun.  Maybe later.  Now, all I want is a hug.

Wilder James Byrd

 

IMG_3754

We look with uncertainty
by Anne Hillman

…for something new is being born in us
if we but let it.
We stand at a new doorway,
awaiting that which comes…
daring to be human creatures,
vulnerable to the beauty of existence.
Learning to love.

I found this poem in a blog from January 2015.  I am particularly struck by the words:

“for something new is being born in us

if we but let it.”

If we but let it.  We must let something new in.  We must invite hope and joy in.  We must make a place for beauty.  We must make a place for uncertainty.

I am thinking about all things new and wonderful because of  Wilder.

The world, the experience of being in the world is wild and mysterious.  This baby , born by Caesarian section, taken from his mother’s womb, has opened me; he has opened all of us now who love him.  Babies tear into the world.  We are vulnerable.  We are learning to love.

We are the World

refugees

I am thinking about that last blog and realizing I wasn’t finished.  I am thinking of all the refugees wandering the earth right now.

They are leaving home to find safety, security, a chance for their children to prosper, a chance for their children simply to survive.

We are going through a time of  biblical disruptions.  Maybe this was always the case but it is in our faces and consciousnesses constantly.

This last few days with so much smoke in the air and the odd dimmed down sun has felt apocalyptic.  I have noticed that Facebook is featuring survival kits more often.

The questions:  Where would you go?  How would you survive?  Who would take care of us? seem pertinent to all of us.

If Hurricane Harvey is any example the answer to this is our neighbors, other people, our communities, strangers, good Samaritans.

Blanche DuBois always “depended on the kindness of strangers.” But strangers in their ones and twos can only help so much Their resources are finite.  Who could handle the immensity, the sheer numbers of the refugees?

Only governments can cope.  Efficient, compassionate government.

Its popular now to say we will just take care of our own.  We will hunker down and shrink our borders in and stay safe in our own little cubbyholes.

The truth is that none of us are safe unless all of us our safe.  We have no chance of shutting out the world.  We are global because we are all on the same planet.  Borders mean nothing anymore.  Walls will keep nobody out.

Remember Poe’s, Masque of the Red Death?  The shit will find us.

 

 

Longing for home

Janine Nave, a friend from my former life, posted this this morning.

henri Nouwen

“For most of my life I have struggled to find God, to know God, to love God. I have tried hard to follow the guidelines of the spiritual life—pray always, work for others, read the Scriptures—and to avoid the many temptations to dissipate myself. I have failed many times but always tried again, even when I was close to despair.

Now I wonder whether I have sufficiently realized that during all this time God has been trying to find me, to know me, and to love me. The question is not ‘How am I to find God?’ but ‘How am I to let myself be found by him?’ The question is not ‘How am I to know God?’ but ‘How am I to let myself be known by God?’ And, finally, the question is not ‘How am I to love God?’ but ‘How am I to let myself be loved by God?’ God is looking into the distance for me, trying to find me, and longing to bring me home.
#HenriNouwen THE RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL SON

Isn’t this beautiful?  It’s not me, but wait a minute.  Is it?  I haven’t used these words but it is true that I have always tried to be a good person as I define that.  I have failed many times but always tried again, “even when I was close to despair.”

We are all like children looking to be good boys and girls in pursuit of being found, recognized, actualized.  “God is…trying to find me, and longing to bring me home.”

“Longing” and “home”:  two of the most emotionally laden words in the English language.  Put them together and we have “loming”.  That’s just silly.  I’m trying to lighten this up, but I can’t.

Longing and home.  Resting in the arms of our father. I still think loming might make it into common usage.  Sorry.