How do we help one another? How are we empathic without overwhelming the person who hurts or being overwhelmed by their needs. How do we keep ourselves to ourselves but also engage in the world?
Oh shit. It’s back to boundaries my friends. Always boundaries.
It is easy to visualize a boundary. A fence, a wall, (hey Trumpie), a closed door, headphones. It’s hard to erect a boundary between people that works in the real world. Why?
Because a boundary between humans needs to be a living breathing thing. It needs to be responsive to what’s happening right then. It needs to be a boundary that lives and breathes. Like a valve of some kind.
I am picturing a heart valve. Valves are cool. They aren’t doors, so you don’t feel like you’re slamming a door in someone’s face. It’s certainly not a wall so you’re not creating a permanent boundary. It’s made for a specific thing and only allowing things to either come in or go out. One way please.
A valve in the late 14th century was defined as “one of the halves of a folding door, from Latin valva (plural valvae) “section of a folding or revolving door,” literally “that which turns,” related to volvere “to roll to turn, revolve.”
I looked for an image of a valva and of course I got a picture of a vulva and also a clam(bivalve).
A vulva is a perfect example of the kind of boundary I’m thinking of. It’s receptive as well as protective. It protects the host(ess) as well as being receptive to those she chooses to let in. It does both. A valve for any situation.
I want all of us (especially women) to understand that it is okay to be emotionally protective. It is okay to say “I can’t hear this right now because I’m drowning in my own shit.” I want women to honor their emotional limits. Actually it’s not just women. There are givers and takers in the male world too. So humans of all stripes, hear this: We can’t be all things to all people, or we won’t be enough for ourselves.
Learn to say “No”, “Not now Josephine” or “back the fuck up.” However you want to do it, however is comfortable for you (and when you get more comfortable you might not have to use an expletive).” I can’t listen right now.
Might a sign help?
And now, I’m going to clam up.
Hello. Yes, this is Dog 