Month: June 2015

My mouth and other black holes

Went to Buck Lake on Sunday with Rob and Kate and Sue and Thomas.  Had a great time. As we were packing up to go, Sue asked me about Tessa’s wedding.  I, in an unguarded moment, responded.  Kate heard.  Kate was upset.  Kate walked off.  First I was defensive and then I apologized and then and now I think, I am human.  I have three daughters, one who is getting married and one who is not invited.  I am sorry about this situation, but I did not cause it.  Walking around on my tiptoes is not an option.  Trying to censor what I say before I say it, is not always going to happen.

Oh shit.  I still feel bad about it.

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crying babyI am deep down dirty ass blue and right under that blue is anger.  Why?  What’s changed?

I’m home.  What’s the matter with me.  There is nothing in particular going on.  Maybe that’s the problem.  I’m picking on myself, I’m doubting myself.  I hate myself.  Really really hate right now.  I hate Robin, I hate Kate, I hate Emily.  I don’t hate Tess.

I hate everyone and everything.  I am angry.

I hate Robin when he senses that I am miserable he starts teasing and probing.  He doesn’t ask why are you blue he pokes and pokes until I erupt.  I didn’t today. I just ignored him.  He’s such a passive aggressive shit.

He is a big baby.  He fucked up our taxes in 2013.  He says stuff like I don’t know why, I don’t know why.  I know why.  Because he is so fucked up and I am fucked up for being with him.  He is an ass, a baby ass.

Do I do anything?  No  Do I take action?  No  I guess I am as passive as he is.  The aggression I turn in on myself.

I am hooked into this fucking monitor.  I hate it and yet I get attention for it.  Do I just want attention?  Am I a baby?

I’m feeling sorry for myself instead of getting off my ass and doing something to cheer me up.  Oh shit!

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