Becoming

Kate’s words enter me like rain after a long drought.

She said “I cant wait for this year to be over.  I cant wait for my birthday and I can put this year behind me.”  And then what, I think, and then what, and miraculously Kate says”… and then what?”

“People say to me …”so Kate whats next? and I have no idea and I want to say give me a break let me figure this out” (another way of saying I don’t know, but Kate has always acted as if she knows everything) and she says “… getting well was just a game mom.  Doing what I did was just a game.  It was just a game. I know I need to find out what next and all my ideas are fantasies.  i am still a little girl.”

When I asked her what her fantasies are as she is thinking and walking in the woods, she says”… all my fantasies are from when I was a little girl—they aren’t real.”

I said  “Holy shit Kate you are becoming so insightful—stay there.”

You figure out who you are and what you want to be by listening to yourself and honoring yourself however young it might be.  Listen to that little girl that true voice that has nothing to do with what everyone else around you thinks you should be.  Listen to your self, allow that girl to grow a little, knock against the real world a little (it will hurt) tend to your hurts and have compassion for yourself.

You can grow into the adult you would like to be.  Whatever you grow into, this year has been a year of growing love and understanding between us.  I am so grateful for that.

I am literally shaking with emotion as I write this.  Perhaps I am writing it for all of us, all of us crazy overeducated, underachieving selves who are shamed by our own lack of SUCCESS.

Let’s get over ourselves here.  Let’s put an end to dreams of youth and see what’s real about ourselves. What’s real and lasting and valuable.  Not what’s shiny, not what adorns us but what nourishes us.