What’s bugging me with Tessa?  Nothing in particular except the feeling that she wants something from me that I can’t give.

I have gone to visit her in Portland and she has had work to do and so I have spent my time organizing, cleaning and seeing her when she had the time available.This Christmas, she came and I didn’t get to spend time with her.  I was sick. It is also true that I am sick to death of this drama between the girls.  It makes Christmas a time of anxiety and pain for me.  It asks too much of me or rather it asks more than I want to give.  I’m bloody fucking tired of Christmas.  I hate it.  I was just going to say it makes my guts ache which is actually what happened over Christmas this year. I tied myself into knots.  Just writing it makes me want to scream.  So that’s what’s bugging me.  My own inability to make Christmas like it used to be.  Oh well. Another letdown.

I will not do another Christmas like that.  I just decided.  i don’t know what I will figure out, but it won’t look, feel, or be like this.